Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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