toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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