You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
