i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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