Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I am naked and annoyed.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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