Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
