I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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