i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
