so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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