SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
