I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
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