she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
