I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
as a side note pls kill me
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
