Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
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