I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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