I just cut my nipple shaving
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Randomize
