Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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