Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
