Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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