We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize