i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
