Kiss
Puke
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
ttyl tear gas
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
