I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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