I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize