He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
