I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
