she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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