All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
