Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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