i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
