theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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