can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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