Cold hands, warm shart.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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