I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I can't turn off my feet"
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
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