yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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