You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Randomize
