you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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