its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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