that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Randomize
