the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
