she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
It's blow job season.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Randomize