bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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