I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
