I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
