I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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