our cab driver is having phone sex.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Randomize
