You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Actions speak louder than pants.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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