did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
