on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
