Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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