I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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