This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I believe in your delicious
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
