I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
