I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
The ass gains better be worth it
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