somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
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