Your face is a jimmy john
I just threw up on my dentist
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
