I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
