that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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