Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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