Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
