Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
