Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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